Intimacy and Infertility

There are things in our lives that are automatically on public display. And with technology and social media going the way they are these days the number of those things seems to be increasing at a tremendous rate. Yet there are some things everyone (with a few weird exceptions) still keep private, still keep intimate.

Intimate: adj. very private; closely personal.

Intimacy: n. 1. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship.
2. a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding.
3. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like.
4. the quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar.
5. privacy.

Marital intimacy. It’s right there in the term. Intimacy. The relationship between husband and wife is private and personal. It’s part of a loving relationship. There is no deeper understanding you can have of a person, no greater way of being comfortable and familiar with your husband or wife. It’s not a normal topic of open discussion.

So when it doesn’t work, when intimacy doesn’t lead to pregnancy, one in eight couples feels alone. One in eight. Over twelve percent. That number right there means they aren’t alone though.

But even knowing you aren’t alone. Knowing you aren’t the only couple experiencing infertility, doesn’t make it feel less alone. Because you want to keep the intimacy. You want to keep the privacy of your intimate life. So you don’t talk about it. Making a child is one of the most intimate things a couple can do. Opening up about it is one of the last things you want to do.

I am eternally grateful for all of those, more than twelve percent of my friends, who shared their infertility struggles with us. Who shared intimate parts of their lives with us.

I will always be infertile. That diagnosis does not change with the fact that we have children. Medically I will always be infertile. It will always require help for me to get pregnant. Always require a team of specialists to do what I’d always thought would be the result of an intimate act between my husband and me. Yet even with that team of specialists, we found ways to keep certain things intimate. And while I will share our story for the rest of my life so that others will know they are not alone, paying it forward for those who shared their stories with me, I will still keep parts of that story close. I will ponder them in my heart and in the heart of my husband only.

Intimacy and infertility. There are times when they feel at complete odds with each other. Infertility does not have to, and should not, completely rob the intimacy of a marriage, of pregnancy, of children. Yet being more open about infertility can mean others feel empowered to get the help they need. Being more open can help others find the strength to continue.