Choosing to submit

A man is given the choice between loving women and understanding them.
– Ninon de L’Enclos

When I first told Brett the quote for today’s post, he wasn’t so sure of its accuracy. But I’ve since found his post from Father’s Day this year, and I think it kind of proves the point: The Difference Between Boys and Girls.

Men and women are different, and have been from the start. And that’s for a reason. I was flipping through our Hebrew alphabet book the other night and came across this passage about the creation of Eve and the importance of a specific letter in that account:

The samech standing for enclosure, in the word “filled” [referring to closing up Adam’s side], indicates that the woman who became a separate being is meant to provide support to the human mission from a different perspective than she could have as part of man. She was to become his “help as before him”, a helper corresponding to him; Targum renders “help” as “support.” Thus, in both the physical and spiritual realms, she is to complement him in his role as head of the household. The wife, as Kol HaTorah comments, is neither man’s shadow nor his servant, but his other self – so that the two together form a complete human unit.

In order to bring about completeness of the man-female unit, the woman must be ready to act as an opponent. This apparent contradiction – that she must both assist and oppose – is expressed by the Sages as: “If he is worthy, she is a helpmate; if he is unworthy, she is an opponent.” That is, if man carries out his mission properly, his wife should encourage and assist him, but if he goes wrong, it is her duty to stand up to him, making him aware of his weak points and offering constructive criticism.

The Wisdom in the Hebrew Alphabet: The Sacred Letters as a Guide to Jewish Deed and Thought by Rabbi Michael L. Munk

I read of a woman who wrote a book about her experience living a year Biblically. Except she did it all wrong. She applied 21st century definitions to 17th century translations of 14th century BC writings and culture, particularly with the word “submit,” which she took to mean her husband was her master and she was his servant. She even went so far as to address his Christmas presents to “To Master.” I read something by another woman who basically said that since she is submissive to her husband that she gets no say in what their family does.

Neither of those women is living the Rabbinical understanding of “submit” nor of the relationship between husband and wife. Brett told me that the kind of submission those women think they have been commanded to do would make him extremely uncomfortable and he would seriously doubt my own self-respect. It feels awkward because it isn’t right.

My husband presides in our home, but I have a definite say in what goes on. On a lot of things he defers to me because he knows that my strengths are different than his and my knowledge in certain areas is greater than his. I provide him with a different perspective, as a good wife should. I am not his shadow or his servant but instead fill in an aspect of his physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual self that he could not do on his own, just as he does for me.

From the rib of Adam, Eve was formed (see Gen. 2:22; Moses 3:22; Abr. 5:16). Interesting to me is the fact that animals fashioned by our Creator, such as dogs and cats, have thirteen pairs of ribs, but the human being has one less with only twelve. I presume another bone could have been used, but the rib, coming as it does from the side, seems to denote partnership. The rib signifies neither dominion nor subservience, but a lateral relationship as partners, to work and to live, side by side.
– Elder Russell M. Nelson, “Lessons from Eve,” Ensign, November 1987.

I choose to let my husband preside in our house and I submit to that presiding authority. It’s an easy choice to make because he does so in righteousness. But if he ever were to change that, I would most assuredly provide the opposition the Rabbis say I should.