Orchestrating Assumptions

Each of us has two categories of identities. We have the identity that we see ourselves having. And we have the identity that everyone around us makes up for us. As I’ve thought about all those identities people have for me, I’ve also been thinking about how they came up with the one they did.

Since getting married I’ve had to learn to play pinochle. I’m even getting better at spelling it. Maybe I’ll get better at playing it too. But one thing I’ve learned is that the order you play your cards in can be very important. And I’ve noticed that I play my identity cards in certain orders too.

I’m not the type to say hello and then share my entire life story. I’ve met some of those people. They’re interesting. I’m not closed. But I’ve learned that certain identity cards can lead to different assumptions. For example, when people ask where I’m from, if I tell them I went to high school in El Paso they assume my family is still there (they aren’t, and haven’t been for a long time) and that I’m very familiar with the area (I haven’t lived there in almost 14 years). If I tell people my parents live in Indiana, they assume I’m from there. I’ve actually only been there for Christmases and one summer. If I tell people I’m from heaven they assume my dad is in the military. That one is a weird one. But they are assuming we moved a lot and thus why I can’t name a place and the only reason people would move a lot is if they are associated with the military.

So when I’m getting to know new people I play my cards in a certain order to try and control the directions the assumptions are taking. I release certain cards about me before others so that I can set a sort of foundation that will influence the assumptions that are built.

Some cards I’ve even modified a bit because I know what the assumptions would be and I don’t want to deal with them. A common card I modify, and one I play early, is what I’m studying. I even made a flowchart showing the assumptions people make. (Yea! Flowcharts!)

So now I just jump that whole chart and tell people I study educational learning theories. And generally there isn’t enough experience with that idea that they can make a lot of assumptions. Then we see what the next card I need to play is.

I know people are making assumptions about me. I know they are filling in my life with their own experiences so I make sense to them. But the more holes I have control over when they are realized and when they are filled, the closer I feel their assumptions are to who I think I am.