Choose

It seems like my list of ways to annoy a single person is always growing. I want to talk about one thing people often say. Some might say they are well-meaning people. But I think well-meaning people would think about what they are saying before they say it and would know who they are talking to before they speak. These people are not well-meaning because they speak without knowledge and thus their words have negative meaning, not well meaning. Or maybe I’m just cynical about some things.

Anyway.

There are people who erroneously believe that I have chosen to be single for this long. They think I have chosen to remain single so I could work on my education or career. They think that I’m still single because at some point back when I was 18 or 19 or whatever age they think I should’ve gotten married at, I made a choice not to get married until I was “old.”

Do they honestly think I have chosen to live so alone for so long? They must or they wouldn’t say it.

They seem to forget that marriage is not a choice one makes alone. Marriage is a choice made, ideally, by three people (husband, wife, and God).

I read a book by John Bytheway several years ago called What I Wish I’d Known When I Was Single. In it he uses the example of people who tell you that if you just tried harder you’d be married. He compares that to sitting at a piano by yourself with music for a piano duet in front of you and having people come up to you and tell you that if you just tried harder you’d be able to play it. Except you can’t. Because no matter how hard you try, it still takes two.

And it takes that second person exercising their agency as well. I cannot choose the actions of someone else. I heard Elder Oaks give a devotional when I was at BYU in 2002. He called his address Timing. His counsel on the timing of the Lord and the agency of others has stuck with me all these years. He changed my way of thinking about the topic. This paragraph in particular is relevant to my topic right now:

The timing of marriage is perhaps the best example of an extremely important event in our lives that is almost impossible to plan. Like other important mortal events that depend on the agency of others or the will and timing of the Lord, marriage cannot be anticipated or planned with certainty. We can and should work for and pray for our righteous desires, but, despite this, many will remain single well beyond their desired time for marriage.

I have not chosen to delay marriage for education or career. If there is anything I have chosen in this, it is that I choose not to delay my life until my marriage. And I choose to wait for the Lord’s timing on when my marriage will happen.

Of course, when I do “choose” to get married, I’ll have to start answering other questions from “well-meaning” people that are equally well thought out. Will it never end?!

Note: This is not about anything that has happened recently. This has actually been bugging me for a few months and I’ve been mulling it over for a while now and I decided to just write about it already.