Já não temo a noite

I don’t fear the night.

After yesterday’s list of things that make me feel safe, today a list of things I fear.

#1 – Moths – They will get me. I know they will. I cannot stand near lights at night because that’s where the moths are. I cannot be in the same room with a moth. They fly drunk and they will fly right at me and get their nasty dust all over me. My heart races and I look for any possible escape if there is a moth near me. They are ugly. I’m absolutely terrified of moths.

#2 – Putting my head underwater – I had frequent nose bleeds growing up, still do, just not as frequent. Seemed like every time I put my head underwater to go swimming when I was little, my nose would start to bleed. I’m not afraid of nose bleeds, they just annoy me, so I try to avoid them.

#3 – The dark – My fear of the dark is not the same as it was when I was little. When I was little if I got out of bed at night, I’d kind of jump out so anything under the bed couldn’t reach out an arm and grab my foot. I’d jump back in as well. I also slept with my back to the wall so I’d be able to see anything in the dark that was coming to get me. Now it’s more that I’m afraid of the mean evil bad people that are in the dark. I don’t like them.

#4 – Being alone – It’s not being alone physically that I fear, it’s being alone in life. I fear that nobody cares about me and you’ll read about my death in the newspaper because it will be another one of those stories where the person dies and three weeks later somebody noticed a funny smell so they break open the door and find them. I wonder why some people like me. Is it because of me or because of something else? Would they miss me if I was gone? If something happened to me, would anyone care? If I were disabled would people still treat me the same or would they think I was different and not care the same? I fear that people tolerate me and are secretly annoyed at me and don’t want me around. I also have a highly active imagination that can kick in to over drive every now and then, especially at night when it’s dark. I am especially afraid I’ll be alone when I die. My parents were there when I entered this world (hi Mom and Dad!). I hope someone will be there when I leave.

Now the first two could possibly be described as irrational fears. But I have my reasons gosh darn it! They are not irrational! The last two, they are probably just different manifestations of a fear of the unknown. Which is why I like knowing things. Knowledge really is a comfort.