Why I am on-line late at night

Other titles for this blog: Odd ways to say hello

Names have been changed to protect the guilty, innocent, and unsuspecting.

I’m innocently online looking at a few things late at night when suddenly an IM window pops up. My friend doesn’t say “hello,” “how you doing?” “what’s up?” none of that. Instead we have the following conversation:

Betty: Apparently, my breasts are enormous compared to two years ago and I can’t fit into my dress. The main component of the Halloween costume I’ve been planning for months.
me: You know. That’s not how I ever expected anyone to say hi to me. 🙂
Betty: Hi 🙂
me: Hi.
Betty: I don’t know what to do.
me: Could you strap yourself down a bit?
Betty: I just tried the old ace bandage trick. I got the dress zipped, but my chestal region looks ridiculous.
me: Do you have an old bra that’s smaller?
Betty: I think I have the bra I wore with this dress originally, but now I’m stuck in the dress.
me: lol. Is there a roommate around who can help you?
Betty: just checked, lights out
me: Know any guys close by who would jump at the chance?
Betty: Jake is online . . .
me: Don’t home teachers always say to call them if you need anything?
Betty: Hahahahaha. Hi, why yes, yes I am ace bandaged in. Thanks for asking.
me: Hi. Brother —-, I need help getting my clothes off, could you come over?
Betty: That would be swell. On the plus side, my cleavage looks awesome right now. swell. plus side. Look at me go. Those weren’t even on purpose
me: 😉
Betty: this is insane. who thought it was a good idea to try this after midnight?
me: 🙂 So are your roommates just asleep?
Betty: I’m seriously thinking about IMing Jake and making ours officially the most awkward friendship ever.
me: I don’t think that I could ever top that.
Betty: Yeah. I just knocked on Bonny’s door, my fellow night owl. No response. I could never, ever, look him in the eyes ever again.
me: Is the zipper caught?
Betty: Not as far as I can tell.
me: Can you just not reach the zipper?
Betty: I can reach it, but it’s so tight that I don’t have the leverage to pull it.
me: From above or below?
Betty: Below. I can zip up. But not down.
me: I mean, can you reach it from above?

In the mean time, I open up another IM window because I see that one of our mutual friends, Jose, is on line. I’m nowhere near close where Betty is, otherwise I would’ve gone over and helped Betty out of her dress. Jose knows Jake as well. You will note that I actually start the conversation by saying “hi” first.

Me: hi
Jose: Hello
Me: Professional opinion as a guy – if I girl is trying on a dress and manages to get stuck and can’t get the zipper down again, and there is nobody around, would that be something you could call the home teachers for help with?
Jose: Hmmm…. That’s a bit of a dilemma.
Me: If it’s late at night and you can tell through the internet that guy is still awake?
Jose: Ummm… It’s worth asking.
Me: Okay, what if it’s not a home teacher but someone you had a real weird awkward half dating experience with several months ago.
Jose: That would probably not be as good.
Me: Okay, what if it’s Betty who’s stuck and it’s Jake that’s online?
Jose: Um…  She should sleep in the dress.
Me: She’ll keep working on the zipper.
Jose: Yikes.

Back with Betty –

Betty: Got it! I can breathe!
me: YEAH!!!
Betty: Trying the smaller bra.
me: Maybe loop something through the zipper pull this time first so you can grab it.
Betty: Zipper not conducive to such experiments
me: Is it an invisible zipper?
Betty: Yes. Well, it zipped with the old bra. But I’m still smushed.
me: A funny looking smushed or just smushed?
Betty: Kinda funny looking. I just sent you a picture, that may or may not capture it
me: I asked Jose if you should call Jake if you get stuck. He said you should just sleep in the dress.
Betty: That thought had crossed my mind.
me: Okay, that has to be one of my favorite cell phone pics ever.
Betty: lol
me: Can you get your cleavage to squish up instead of down?
Betty: I’m trying to think of how to do that.
me: Lean over and touch your toes and pull it out a bit.
Betty: They still look a little smooshed at the bottom.
me: Probably look pretty dang good on the top though. 😉
Betty: Oh they do. I just sent you another picture.
me: Well, technically you are covered…
Betty: I could wear a tank with this.
me: Hmmm..
Betty: But I’m still a little smooshed.

And then we started talking about some more realistic ways to possibly alter the dress to prevent unnecessary smooshing and avoid getting stuck again.

And this is why I’m up late at night, because you never know when a friend far away is going to reach out through the vast expanse of the internet and need some help. Glad I could serve.

Also, a quick “hi” before jumping into smooshed zipper problems might be advisable in the future.

And I just had to share this with everyone because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t talk and tears were streaming down my face when we finally recovered from the trauma of it all.